If Jesus existed - and the historical evidence isn't exactly forgiving on the point - then the odds are good that he was a local politician who knew his Old Testament.


That, of course, doesn't slow anyone up for a minute. Ever since Paul had his epileptic fit on the road to Damascus, Jesus has been big business and the preferred badge of the mentally damaged. Here, some two thousand years after he may or may not have been born to a woman who may or may not have been humped by an angel, the flow of money and madness is more intense than ever. "Ladies and gentleman, Jesus is shaking the world! Now something else is happening that is to me awesome! Absolutely awesome! The Lord is physically appearing in the Muslim world. I'm telling you, Paul, I am hearing it now more and more and more. Since we preachers cannot go there, Jesus is - just going there Himself. Since we preachers are not permitted to go in, He is just showing up - Himself!" This is the word of American evangelist Benny Hinn, expert at sucking money out of a country of believers. According to Hinn, Jesus may well show up on camera in Nairobi, Nashville and Phoenix, Arizona in the near future. These appearances, announced in advance to Hinn via God's midnight whispering to Mrs Hinn and their tame prophet/seer Ruth Heflin, evidently signal the nearness of The Second Coming, the End Times and all that. So send money to Benny. This strange logic has apparently paid off, since the host of the Benny Hinn miracle crusade in April, attended by 1.2 million people looking for Jesus to turn up, has been quoted in the press as saying: "We counted the money for two days... I have never seen so much money in my life."

Benny has useful friends other than Jesus. He's been on stage with one Dr. D. G. S. Dhinakaran, of a ministry/sect named Jesus Call. Dr. D. evidently claims to have been to Heaven and back several times, where he's met and chatted with Jesus, God, Peter and Paul. Apparently Paul is rather short. None of this can be true, of course. Because Jesus was a woman. According to the "philosophy" of Chrestianity, "Here is the Good News: God is Our Mother. Here is the Good News: Jesus Christ was a Womun. Here is the Good News: all men go to Hell."

The Chrestian documents contort themselves to eliminate any sense of maleness even from the spelling: womhn, femayle, womun, mhnstruation, humun. "The idea that Jesus was male is literal, laughable nonsense: not only does true thealogy reject it, so does true biology." It turns on an interesting fact: "It is possible for a virgin femayle humun-being to give birth: it is impossible for a virgin femayle humun-being to give birth to anything but another femayle. This is a truth that God has planted everywhere in Her Creation, leaving messages that only wilful male blindness can misread. There is a species of desert lizard that reproduces wholly by parthenogenesis - virgin-birth - and that is wholly femayle: no male specimen has ever been found… The Virgin Mary carried only the femayle XX chromosomes, and could pass them to Her offspring only as XX: Jesus can only have been femayle: Jesus Christ was a Womun. "

But this is a bad world, and a fascinating notion quickly becomes all too revelatory of the writer: "The three wise men were in reality three wise womhn - three witches bearing gifts symbolic of the Chrest-child's matriarchal moon-power and lesbian sexuality. That this sexuality was in fact lesbian, and exclusively so, is proved by a "spice-girl" episode in Jesa's adult life. "Mark" tells us that one day: xiv, 3. ... as he sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head. This is an allegory of fricative lesbian sex: the "alabaster box" is the genitals of the womun; its "breaking" is their dilation under the influence of sexual excitement; the "spikenard" is the scented secretions that pour from them; and the "head" of "Jesus" is in fact the clitoris of Jesa, on which the womun rubs her dilated, lubricated vulva…."

You know, I'm as educated in parsing the culture as any other writer in the Western world, and I still think this is a bit of a stretch. "Many womhn are left-handed because of unnatural brain-damage arising from direct male or male-inspired violence meted out to them in their infancy and childhood" is also pushing it, I feel, but it gets better:

"The 'Jews' were in reality the men of Chrest's day, demanding Her ritualized rape-murder during Her trial for blasphemy against patriarchal orthodoxy. The threat posed by Her message of liberation for Womunkind had finally become too great when She instituted the drinking of mhnstrual blood at the Last Supper… Males overcome their vagina-envy by attacking the vagina with their penises, penetrating it and injecting it with the mhnses-suppressing poison of semen…. She is gang-raped by the brutal agents of patriarchy in the person of Roman soldiers, whose penises are the "crucifix" on which Chrest is racked… The "temple" is the creative internal space of the vagina that the erect penis must invade and fill after breaking the protective hymhn, imposing a deadening masculine stasis on a life-giving feminine flux…The crucifixion is in fact the first snuff-narrative in history, a description of the rape and murder of the first femayle snuff-victim."

None of which is true, of course. It can't be. Because Jesus is already here!

"I, Master Thomas, am the second coming of Jesus. I am the same spirit that God worked through 2000 years ago," proclaims an ageing, beardy gent who looks like he'd be much more comfortable on a Jamaican beach with his family: "This is the purpose of my second coming: to instruct in the way that each individual will be able to see and talk with the LIGHT OF GOD. The LIGHT OF GOD wants to help you, and is supporting this ministry by helping those who follow the instructions given for seeing and talking with the LIGHT OF GOD." Presumably this will pay for his grass.

But no! Laid-back, low-key Master Thomas cannot be Jesus! For here, hurtling out of Wichita, Kansas is Jesus-Paul Eugene Johnson-Christ and his autobiography-Bible thing, CHRIST'S ETERNAL HOLY PASSION!

This is an absolutely heartbreaking document. Jesus-Paul is a true citizen of the Bad World, trying to make sense of the place he's found himself in, armed only with a mental problem. Jesus-Paul is convinced that he is indeed Jesus, but that's not the only cross he has to bear:

"Susan, because of--- 1a that's why ---1b Your melding with my(=christ's) holy soul & heart-in-true-love-with-you as we, each having taken the holy sacrament of 800 micrograms of lsd, while we were eternally-joined-together-as-eternal-holy-pure-true-love-husband-&-wife,wife-&-husband-before-by-to-&-with-the lord god almighty-&-jesus christ-the holy ghost-in-holy-eternal-pure-true-love-matrimony-wedlock on saturday, january 25,1969, my(=christ's) undying, 28 ¾-year (-now, christmas, 1997) faithfulness to you & to us(= you-&-me-&-the lord god almighty-&-jesus christ-&-the holy ghosts for you so melded-&-married all of us: the entire family, my family, of the holy trinity) in my (=christ's) & our(= the holy trinity's) eternal, holy, pure, true love for you…Your rightful place is with me: your only real, legitimate, holy, eternal, pure, true love & husband...

"…OH!, THE PRICE I HAVE PAID FOR MY ETERNAL, HOLY, PURE, TRUE LOVE OF-&-FOR YOU, MY DARLING, CHERISHED, BELOVED WIFE, SUSAN! I(=CHRIST) ETERNALLY PROMISE & GUARANTEE YOU, SUSAN, & The ENTIRETY Of This Particular Human Civilization, WORLD WIDE, & INFINITELY Otherwise As Is Necessary For THE IMMEDIATE RETURN OF YOU, MY WIFE, SUSAN, & THE RECOVERY OF THE LOST, RAPED AWAY, TIME AWAY FROM YOU: THERE IS LITERALLY ETERNAL HELL TO PAY ---2A ADMINISTERED STRICTLY & SOLELY BY THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY VIA ACTS-OF-GOD(=THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY) THRU/IN/OF DEATH, DESTRUCTION & DEVASTATION, WORLDWIDE, As Explained Herein & In The Other 50-Plus Volumes Of The Series Entitled WHY."

You're beginning to get the picture, I'm sure. Be advised that all this is from the introduction to the book, not the guts of it… a little later in the intro, he gets into the subject of where the profits on the book should go, and it all becomes horribly clear:

"1- 1/3(one-third) Is ALWAYS To Go To SUSAN BREAZEALE, As Described & Indicated Herein, For HER PROTECTION ---3A Including 24-Hour, Around The Clock, EVERY Day For The Rest Of HER LIFE, PERSONAL BODY GUARDS ---3B & The PROTECTION Of HER Natural Children & HER, & Their WELL-BEING, Such That SUSAN NEVER HAS TO BE DEPENDENT ON ANY RICH person(s) To LIVE HER Natural LIFE Out In FREEDOM & INDEPENDENCE; SUSAN WILL HAVE HER OWN Money To Live HER LIFE As SHE CHOOSES!, & NEVER Again HAVE TO BOW-DOWN TO, NOR RELY ON, ANY person(s) To BE KEPT BY, Or USED FOR BREEDING STOCK NOR BROW-BEAT NOR IN ANY MANNER(S) ABUSED EVER AGAIN! …

… SHE'S BEAUTIFUL & SHE'S RICH & SHE'S PROVEN THAT SHE'LL RUN HOLINESS-&-TRUE-LOVE(= ME = CHRIST) THRU LIVING HELL FOR SATAN, So SHE'S JUST WHAT the doctor ORDERED FOR you INTENTIONAL-IDIOT human-DEVIL SCUMonkey BEASTS-OF-HELL[-On-Earth] UNLESS SHE CHANGES BACK TO THE WAY SHE WAS LIKE During OUR 16-Months COURTSHIP & 3 ½-Months Of MARRIAGE Before SATAN KIDNAPPED HER & brainWASHED HER AGAINST ME & MONETARILY-COERCED HER INTO Having NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, HER TRUE LOVE & BELOVED HUSBAND , THEN SOLD HER TO A MONETARILY RICH horn-dog duuuh shrink To BE KEPT In OPULENCE In EXCHANGE FOR his SEXUAL SATIATION & USED FOR BREEDING STOCK & SOCIAL-STATUS ACQUISITION, SATAN SO GIVING HER TO the horn-dogs of the world To HAVE their WAY WITH HER & MAKE such an UNREQUITING-OF-&-TO-TRUE-LOVE MONSTER OF HER; If SHE CHANGES, SHE WILL ONCE AGAIN BE-WITH-ME, HER ONLY REAL, TRUE LOVE & LEGITIMATE HUSBAND, & THEN WE CAN ALL WORK-TOGETHER & HAVE CAMELOT & HEAVEN-ON-EARTH & RID This EVIL World Of SATAN & Its WICKEDNESS & EVIL …"

A paragraph later, he's explaining to Susan's parants that not only would any of his alternative energy inventions have made him and Susan rich beyond the dreams of avarice, but she couldn't really have done any better in marriage than having gotten wed to Jesus anyway.

Sadly, Jesus-Paul is not Jesus. Jesus turned up in the palm of an evangelist named Degby. "The strange image you have seen on the Son of Man Website is a photograph of the image that appeared some time ago in the palm of my right hand!" "Jesus is seen seated with his right palm facing toward the front, resting on his leg, and with rays emanating upward from his fingers. His left palm is also facing outward, with his arm horizontal. On the left side of Christ's head the Father's face is seen, and on the right side a dove's form. The dove appears to be both resting and in flight, with its wings as the end of the cross, which is almost at a right angle, and its uplifted breast as the right side of the Lord's temple. The periphery of the form of Jesus Christ is also a map of the country of Israel!" I can't see it. But Degby has the answer for such as me: "This is only a two-dimensional enhanced black-and-white photo. To see the true image would require one to see in the flesh; three dimensions, in color, in good light, with good eyesight, both physical and spiritual..."

Warren Ellis
Southend, England
August 2000